What am I doing with my life?! is a question that often comes to mind.
When I get frustrated with school.
When I read about the cool things others are doing.
Especially if they are younger than me.
When I want to give up.
When I’m just being lazy.
When I can’t see my dreams ever becoming a reality.
When I feel I’m not doing my best as a person.
When I see myself as born with a silver spoon in my mouth while others much more deserving are struggling.
Dying.
I care.
But I also don’t. Often tripping and falling into a pothole of apathy.
Caring is dangerous. It’s too vulnerable. It hurts because it means I’m alive.
I don’t plan. No. I don’t share is truer.
Because if it goes wrong there’ll be no one to see.
I hope that some day I’ll look back and say it was necessary.
Instead of what was the point?
I’m well-aware of my own wallowing.
I try to stop it when I can as to not give them a reason to criticize.
To see me at the wide gate.
But sometimes it’s just so comfortable. Like a snuggie.
I’ve never tried one before but I can just imagine getting lost in its sleeves.
Temporarily protected from responsibilities.
Until I’ve got to take up my own cross.
Because there is no other way.
There would be no meaning if not for it.
To see a transformation from decrepit worm to a soaring beauty.

Where are you?
Where’ve you been?
Are you okay?

I lie in bed at night and my namesake falls on my face.
The Appearance of God.
I try to put it back from where it came, but it will not stay.
Annoyed, I put it to the side, promising to deal with it later.

Today I am reminded to pray.
To pray constantly.
To not avoid. To not be too busy.
But who knows if I will.
I do what I do not want to do.

I’m looking for an exit sign.
To be done here, stop my procrastination.
Get on with this assignment that hangs over my conscience.
Jealous of the rest that the furry creature at my feet receives with a hefty exhale.

This is going to suck in the morning.

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