Reflections

Hello. It is a beautiful day here in Boston after quite a stormy night.

I finished my first block of classes at LCB this past week.  It was kind of a stressful week with about 2 tests everyday Monday-Thursday. I don’t know my exact grades yet, but I’m feeling pretty good about them. I know there are probably a bunch of things I’m good at, but for once in my adult life, I feel like I can do something well. Sometimes I wonder if this is too easy for me or if I’ve merely just found my niche that it just comes naturally. Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t speak so soon since the classes I’ve taken so far have only been introductory and things are bound to get more difficult or challenging.

Although I’m 99.9% sure I’m going to stick with this program to the end, I am still curious whether I would have made it with carpentry. I should be getting a letter from NBSS soon if it isn’t already in my mailbox (I’ll go down and check after I post this). I can’t really change anything now, but I’m still kind of nervous about it all.

If you follow me on twitter, or have been reading my facebook statuses, you might have noticed that I’ve been putting up a bunch of quotes about friendship. I’ve been thinking a lot about the friends in my life right now, and well…it’s been quite painful. Some friendships have dwindled from distance, some have been cut-off by conflict, and still others now are just hanging by a thread. Sure, there are some new friendships forming, but sometimes it’s just not enough. Maybe this is childish thinking, but often times I feel like the third wheel or like there’s not enough room for a new person in a circle of friends. I do have friends that I feel completely comfortable sharing the deep and heavy things in my heart, but none of them are in close proximity to me. I’ve never really been a phone person, and IM or email doesn’t hold the same weight or intimacy as sharing in person.

When I think about relationships I have, and consider my emotions, I inevitably think about Jesus. To be misunderstood and rejected over and over again, it sucks. And it sucks even more when those that you hoped would back you up in tough times take the other side. No one likes to take sides, but no one wants to be left all alone either.

On a relatively related note (if you can follow my train of thought here…it might not make sense to you at all but whatever), I had dinner with my cousin’s husband (cousin-in-law?) last night along with his kids and my sister. He was very much interested in the profile of my ideal man, (as are the rest of my cousins) and he asked my sister and I a bunch of questions ranking the importance of certain traits. One that got me stumped was whether I wanted to take care of him, or have him take care of me. I left this one unanswered. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before so it’s hard to say. I like to think that I’m pretty independent (except financially since I still depend on my parents a lot for that), and that I’m very capable of taking care of someone else, but I don’t think I want to be a “mother” to my future husband. Sure, I believe that if you love someone, you’ll be willing to do anything for the person, but I also believe people of a certain age need to be responsible. Basically, my man needs to be able to take care of himself. I’ve come to the (temporary) conclusion that I need someone who doesn’t need me, but rather wants me. I don’t play or follow Pokémon (and this might be a bad analogy), but I want him to choose me first for battle, and not because some other character failed.

Go ahead, laugh at me. I know that was facepalm moment. Heh.

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One thought on “Reflections

  1. It was interesting. I got coffee today with somebody who offended me. It was my intention to confront her and make her aware of the pain she caused me. Then in that, I realized my selfishness. She told me one thing. We are not entitled anything in this world. We are broken sinners. We don’t deserve anything, but yet God is the only constant in our lives that will never disappoint. She told me next time I got mad to self reflect and to dive into my emotions. Am I placing myself in a tangle of angry, hate and bitterness where God cannot use me or am I being challenged to know that no matter how much I’m hurt, Jesus endured the most hurt from humanity and He still loves us unconditionally. I don’t know if this will help but its food for thought.

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