Tiffany is…

Hello. It’s been a while since I talked about the Renovate series that I was so excited about in the beginning. We’re getting closer to the end. The past few weeks have been a bit hard to follow. Mostly because I haven’t given time to really meditate on the Word, but I wanted to share a bit about today’s sermon and where I am now in my spiritual walk.

This week is focused on “Furnishing the Home” and today’s sermon was based off of the first half of Ephesians 5. We are called to be imitators of God, children of light, and to be wise in everything we do. At the end, we did a little exercise with 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Since we are to be imitators of God, and God is love, we were suppose to replace “love” with our names. Here’s what it would be for me:

Tiffany is patient, Tiffany is kind. She does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. She is not rude, she is not self-seeking, she is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. Tiffany does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. She always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I could not tell you a bigger lie than this. I am the opposite of love. I want to say that I have changed at least a little bit in the past couple months, but the reality is that my heart is still rock-hard. I hate to play the blame-game because I believe you can always change your attitude no matter what you believe, but I’m pretty sure that much of the hate in my heart stems from my broken relationships with my other roommates. I can’t let my heart be healed because I have this innate sense of justice that wants “an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth,” yet I know that I have no right to sit in the seat of the judge. So… I’m just stuck in this terrible limbo.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord . – Ephesians 5:8-10

Pastor Dan pointed out to me today in these verses that action doesn’t necessarily always have to follow motive. Most people want to get their hearts in the right place before they act upon anything, lest they be called hypocrites, but sometimes you need to act first and then your heart will align with that of God’s. This is so hard for me, because if I demonstrate what love is, I feel like I will just be reverting back to the doormat that I was before. Whenever I think about this (which is often), I know it is the right thing to do, because it’s what Jesus would do – lowering and sacrificing himself for the benefit of others. But he’s God, I’m still human. I still want (and need?) to be appreciated.

Well, that’s that.

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